My abuse story
November 29, 2019
I have contemplated writing this blog for quite some time now but I finally decided to do it simply because I want to help others. I want others who are going through this or who are trying to figure out how to cope with this to hopefully learn from my story and hopefully feel that they aren't alone. I can't promise to heal anyone, only you have the power and strength to heal on your own but I can be here to help, to listen, and to tell you about my personal experience with my abuse.
This is not an easy blog for me to write. Mainly because of who my abuser is. I am a little nervous about how family will feel and react to this. Not to mention I do not want to put anyone else on blast or make anyone look bad so its a little nerve wrecking to be honest but this is also part of my healing as well. The more I talk about my abuse the more I understand myself better and the more I heal from it. This past year was when I finally started talking about this more openly. For 33 years I kept this secret inside and barely told anyone. Even friends I've known almost all my life do not know this story. Prior to this year I had only told a handful of people.
It all started when I was about 7 years old. I remember it only started out as touching and as time went on, it progressed to more than that. First it was touching me, then it was asking me to do things to him. I specifically remember him telling me perform oral and I remember being grossed out by even the question that was being asked, I immediately said no and he didn't push me on it. I remember when he first penetrated me and how badly it hurt. I also remember when he performed anal on me and I remember it hurting so bad and I hated every second of it. I remember being so scared that this was going to continue. I particularly remember one night he came into my room and I told him I had to go to the bathroom even though I didn't. I just sat on the toilet for a long time and was terrified to go back to my room because I knew what was awaiting me. I remember being in the washroom for a while and he came in and told me to hurry up. Then it happened all over again.
As time went on, I remember resenting him. I remember when he would yell at me, that I would hate him because not only was I angry for getting yelled at but I was angry because I knew what he was doing to me that was wrong and I would hate him at that moment.
Around this time, I was extremely close to my older sister. She and I had a very close bond and I ended up telling her what he did to me. I will never forget that night. She lost her shit. Which I can't even imagine as an older sibling hearing something like this from your little sister. I remember she started screaming for him and I remember her waking up everyone in the house. I remember when she confronted him, he turned white, and he immediately denied it and all of the sudden he was acting like he couldn't breath. Now that I am older I either think he had a panic attack or he literally faked it to get the attention off of what he had done. I remember my sister chasing him out of the house. And then I remember my mother coming into my room and asking me if it was true. I remember nodding yes and she just looked on and walked away.
Everything changed after this day, he never touched me again and it was honestly thanks to my sister for being braver than me and speaking up for me. I believe my sister told my grandparents and my uncle and I remember they showed up in like 15 minutes when they lived like 45 minutes away. I remember my grandfather (my angel - R.I.P.) and my uncle wanting to kill him. He was pleading with them that he had done nothing wrong and he didn't know what was happening. I remember them literally telling him to fuck off and they were there to pick us up. My parents did not allow them to take my sisters and I. I also remember my fathers mother was there and my uncle kept trying to give me his phone number and his two best friends phone numbers so if we ever needed anything, they were only a phone call away. I also remember my grandmother (dads side) ripping up all the phone numbers he kept giving us. I remember everyone was fighting and there was so much chaos and I felt like it was all my fault. I was so young, so innocent, and so scared about everything that was happening.
My older sister told her school counselor what had happened and being a mandated reporter, her counselor had to report it to the authorities. I remember after this that he was not around anymore because he was in jail. I do not remember how long he was in there for but I do not think it was very long. I remember having to go talk to a therapist. I remember being in a room with a bunch of toys and speaking to some stranger who began asking me about myself and then began asking me about my abuse. I was extremely shy back then and I was nervous. I remember she took out a doll and started asking me to point where he had touched me on the doll. She asked a lot of specific questions and I remember not wanting him to get into trouble because of me, so I lied. I did not tell her about the penetration and I only mentioned that he had touched only my chest. Why did I do this? I don't know. I was a child. I was scared and even though I knew what he did to me was wrong, he was still my father, my flesh and blood. How could you throw someone so close into jail? I still struggle with this question. Although the statute of limitations claims its too late, I constantly feel guilty that he is walking the streets. I still feel like I am responsible for getting him put away but still, how can you do that to family? I honestly do not know and I have thought it over a lot over the years.
I will never forget the night my parents brought my sisters and I into their bedroom. Both of them were crying hysterically. I remember not really knowing why they were so upset, I had a feeling but I was not really sure. He was terrified of going to jail and the same shit he did to me happening to him. I remember that night so clearly. I think that was the same night I realized he was a liar - I saw him differently that night for some reason. I believe they did that so that they could make my sister feel guilty for telling. I remember him telling her that my mom was suffering and that my mom could not do it without him and that we would lose everything. My older sister was only like in 8th or 9th grade when this happened and they got to her head.
I did not go to court but my sister went to testify and ended up lying to the judge. She told him she made everything up and she lied. Perpetrator was set free. I remember not too long after that when I saw him again. He saw me and called me over. He told me to sit on his lap and I remember him whispering into my ear that he was so sorry for what he had done and that he would never do it again. I also remember, at the same time, him being aroused with me on his lap and I could feel his excitement on my back. He did fulfill that promise though, he did not ever touch me again.
I remember him being gone for a while, I don't remember how long. My mother had told us she was leaving him. When she said this, I felt the biggest weight off my shoulders. I was so happy he was finally gone. I will NEVER forget the one day I got home from school and seeing him sitting at the kitchen table with my mother and saying hello to me. I remember just being super confused like why are you here? And he told me they were getting back together. I will never forget the feeling inside of me. The best way I can describe it, disgust. I thought it was disgusting she could let this monster back in the house where he had abused her baby. I thought it was disgusting that she could get into bed with this child molester every night knowing what he did. I remember losing a lot of respect for both of them that day, especially my mother. The two people who were supposed to protect you the most were doing the exact opposite. I honestly think THIS is why I am such a strong woman. My mother is weak and I never wanted to be like her or make any of the same choices she did.
For most of my life, I have wondered why and how she could be like this. When I became a mother, I understood her even less because I would kill anyone who ever touched my child. I tried to understand how my mother felt. I'm sure it was hard and traumatic for her too but as a woman and a mother, how? How could you continue on with your life knowing he did this to your kid and never do anything about it? It still boggles my mind to be 100% honest and I still don't understand.
The story doesn't end here. After the court stuff was over. I remember my parents completely turning on my sister and they ended up kicking her out when she was only 15 or 16 years old. Not because she was a bad kid or not because she did anything wrong, simply because she told on them. They began talking about her to my entire family. My dad started lying and saying she was into gangs and that she was always out in the streets and she was this and that. Not true. Eventually, the whole family turned on her. I cannot imagine being a teenager and going through everything she went through. As I am writing this it just makes me want to go to her and hug her because I just honestly don't know how she did it. I remember my parents excluding her from family vacations and anything we used to do as a family. They also tried to get my other sister and I to turn on her. They always bad mouthed her saying she was a trouble maker and that she was up to no good all the time.
Another thing I remember was my mother and how she handled this whole situation. She never once, until today, has ever said, I am sorry that happened to you. Never acknowledged the abuse and never did anything about it. I remember as the years went on, I eventually became a tween and I remember hating to be around him. He became an over the road truck driver and we would only see him every other weekend. It was nice not having him around but when he was home he was always angry and had a bad attitude. I remember things got so bad I didn't want to live at home anymore. Luckily, my older sister took my sister and I in. We were only 15 years old and moved out of my moms house. It took for us to actually leave the house for her to FINALLY leave him! After living with my sister for 6 months or more, my mom finally begged us to come home.
It was finally then that she finally decided to divorce him. 25 years with this monster and it took us to actually leave her alone in the house for her to realize she actually wanted her children in her life. We went back home but then my mom was never home. She was like a teenager again living her youthful years. She had abandoned us again. Sometimes leaving two teenage girls alone in the house for a whole week or two of not coming home. Sometimes not buying food for the house. Not calling. Not showing up to our school functions. It was sad to see my mom completely turn her interest away from us and never being there for us. This was also part of my trauma
I have A LOT of resentment towards my mother still. We have never talked about this subject. I would love to be able to go to therapy with her one day because I honestly do not think she realizes how much internal damage she has left me with. I do not even know if she knows what actually happened to me. And sadly, I don't even know if she cares. Everything was swept under the rug and never spoken about in my family and that is why I am writing this now because I am breaking the silence. I am not writing this to make anyone look bad, that is not my intention, this is my true story and this is how I remembered these events happening. This is my truth. This is my reality. And this is my story of abuse.
When I became an adult, I had forgiven my father. He and I talked a few times a week and we actually did have a good relationship. Believe it or not, he and I are a lot alike. I definitely get my personality from him and we have a lot of similarities. I even went to visit him when I was like 25 or 26 years old. About 4 years ago, I got word that one of my uncles, my fathers brother, was in jail. He was in jail for molesting his girlfriends granddaughter. When I heard this I was sick to my stomach. I felt disgusted by my uncle and my father. I thought I was over my abuse but this situation made me realize I was not over it like I thought I was. It brought back a lot of bad memories and I decided just to cut him off and I never spoke to him again, nor do I have any plans to. I have zero desire to have a relationship with him and I never felt like that before.
I realize now that because of my abuse that I made a lot of bad choices in my life. I was in relationships with really bad men. I let guys treat me like crap and I allowed a lot of nonsense because I didn't love myself. Sexual abuse changes people and it changes the way you see the world and the way you think about things. I hope that by reading this that I can help someone else who has been through this or is going through this. Just know that you will never fully be healed. The terrible memories will never go away, I think about my abuse almost daily unfortunately but there are ways to cope. I want you to know that you are not alone. I understand how you feel. I understand that feeling that no one cares. I understand the feeling of disgust. I understand the feeling of pain. I understand the loneliness. I understand the sadness. I understand. And please know that you are not alone.
I never understood why I went through what I went through. Until now. I now realize that I have been put here to help others. I want to help people who have gone through traumatic situations and give them hope. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel and with the help of those around you, you can get through it.
For those of you who do not know, my partner and I are in the process of starting a nonprofit organization named Hidden Gems. Part of our plan is to hold "support circles" which is meant for domestic and sexual abuse victims to come in and feel safe and to express themselves and tell their stories. It will be a JUDGEMENT FREE ZONE! Remember: silence is a killer. Talking heals. As hard as it is to talk about. As hard as it is to hear and remember the pain, talking about it helps a lot. Like I said earlier, I held this secret in for 33 years and I just started talking about it and now I am writing about it which I have not done too much before either. Please message me if you need advice, resources, or just someone to listen to you vent, I will always be here for you because I understand what you are feeling and I understand what you are going through.
I have contemplated writing this blog for quite some time now but I finally decided to do it simply because I want to help others. I want others who are going through this or who are trying to figure out how to cope with this to hopefully learn from my story and hopefully feel that they aren't alone. I can't promise to heal anyone, only you have the power and strength to heal on your own but I can be here to help, to listen, and to tell you about my personal experience with my abuse.
This is not an easy blog for me to write. Mainly because of who my abuser is. I am a little nervous about how family will feel and react to this. Not to mention I do not want to put anyone else on blast or make anyone look bad so its a little nerve wrecking to be honest but this is also part of my healing as well. The more I talk about my abuse the more I understand myself better and the more I heal from it. This past year was when I finally started talking about this more openly. For 33 years I kept this secret inside and barely told anyone. Even friends I've known almost all my life do not know this story. Prior to this year I had only told a handful of people.
It all started when I was about 7 years old. I remember it only started out as touching and as time went on, it progressed to more than that. First it was touching me, then it was asking me to do things to him. I specifically remember him telling me perform oral and I remember being grossed out by even the question that was being asked, I immediately said no and he didn't push me on it. I remember when he first penetrated me and how badly it hurt. I also remember when he performed anal on me and I remember it hurting so bad and I hated every second of it. I remember being so scared that this was going to continue. I particularly remember one night he came into my room and I told him I had to go to the bathroom even though I didn't. I just sat on the toilet for a long time and was terrified to go back to my room because I knew what was awaiting me. I remember being in the washroom for a while and he came in and told me to hurry up. Then it happened all over again.
As time went on, I remember resenting him. I remember when he would yell at me, that I would hate him because not only was I angry for getting yelled at but I was angry because I knew what he was doing to me that was wrong and I would hate him at that moment.
Around this time, I was extremely close to my older sister. She and I had a very close bond and I ended up telling her what he did to me. I will never forget that night. She lost her shit. Which I can't even imagine as an older sibling hearing something like this from your little sister. I remember she started screaming for him and I remember her waking up everyone in the house. I remember when she confronted him, he turned white, and he immediately denied it and all of the sudden he was acting like he couldn't breath. Now that I am older I either think he had a panic attack or he literally faked it to get the attention off of what he had done. I remember my sister chasing him out of the house. And then I remember my mother coming into my room and asking me if it was true. I remember nodding yes and she just looked on and walked away.
Everything changed after this day, he never touched me again and it was honestly thanks to my sister for being braver than me and speaking up for me. I believe my sister told my grandparents and my uncle and I remember they showed up in like 15 minutes when they lived like 45 minutes away. I remember my grandfather (my angel - R.I.P.) and my uncle wanting to kill him. He was pleading with them that he had done nothing wrong and he didn't know what was happening. I remember them literally telling him to fuck off and they were there to pick us up. My parents did not allow them to take my sisters and I. I also remember my fathers mother was there and my uncle kept trying to give me his phone number and his two best friends phone numbers so if we ever needed anything, they were only a phone call away. I also remember my grandmother (dads side) ripping up all the phone numbers he kept giving us. I remember everyone was fighting and there was so much chaos and I felt like it was all my fault. I was so young, so innocent, and so scared about everything that was happening.
My older sister told her school counselor what had happened and being a mandated reporter, her counselor had to report it to the authorities. I remember after this that he was not around anymore because he was in jail. I do not remember how long he was in there for but I do not think it was very long. I remember having to go talk to a therapist. I remember being in a room with a bunch of toys and speaking to some stranger who began asking me about myself and then began asking me about my abuse. I was extremely shy back then and I was nervous. I remember she took out a doll and started asking me to point where he had touched me on the doll. She asked a lot of specific questions and I remember not wanting him to get into trouble because of me, so I lied. I did not tell her about the penetration and I only mentioned that he had touched only my chest. Why did I do this? I don't know. I was a child. I was scared and even though I knew what he did to me was wrong, he was still my father, my flesh and blood. How could you throw someone so close into jail? I still struggle with this question. Although the statute of limitations claims its too late, I constantly feel guilty that he is walking the streets. I still feel like I am responsible for getting him put away but still, how can you do that to family? I honestly do not know and I have thought it over a lot over the years.
I will never forget the night my parents brought my sisters and I into their bedroom. Both of them were crying hysterically. I remember not really knowing why they were so upset, I had a feeling but I was not really sure. He was terrified of going to jail and the same shit he did to me happening to him. I remember that night so clearly. I think that was the same night I realized he was a liar - I saw him differently that night for some reason. I believe they did that so that they could make my sister feel guilty for telling. I remember him telling her that my mom was suffering and that my mom could not do it without him and that we would lose everything. My older sister was only like in 8th or 9th grade when this happened and they got to her head.
I did not go to court but my sister went to testify and ended up lying to the judge. She told him she made everything up and she lied. Perpetrator was set free. I remember not too long after that when I saw him again. He saw me and called me over. He told me to sit on his lap and I remember him whispering into my ear that he was so sorry for what he had done and that he would never do it again. I also remember, at the same time, him being aroused with me on his lap and I could feel his excitement on my back. He did fulfill that promise though, he did not ever touch me again.
I remember him being gone for a while, I don't remember how long. My mother had told us she was leaving him. When she said this, I felt the biggest weight off my shoulders. I was so happy he was finally gone. I will NEVER forget the one day I got home from school and seeing him sitting at the kitchen table with my mother and saying hello to me. I remember just being super confused like why are you here? And he told me they were getting back together. I will never forget the feeling inside of me. The best way I can describe it, disgust. I thought it was disgusting she could let this monster back in the house where he had abused her baby. I thought it was disgusting that she could get into bed with this child molester every night knowing what he did. I remember losing a lot of respect for both of them that day, especially my mother. The two people who were supposed to protect you the most were doing the exact opposite. I honestly think THIS is why I am such a strong woman. My mother is weak and I never wanted to be like her or make any of the same choices she did.
For most of my life, I have wondered why and how she could be like this. When I became a mother, I understood her even less because I would kill anyone who ever touched my child. I tried to understand how my mother felt. I'm sure it was hard and traumatic for her too but as a woman and a mother, how? How could you continue on with your life knowing he did this to your kid and never do anything about it? It still boggles my mind to be 100% honest and I still don't understand.
The story doesn't end here. After the court stuff was over. I remember my parents completely turning on my sister and they ended up kicking her out when she was only 15 or 16 years old. Not because she was a bad kid or not because she did anything wrong, simply because she told on them. They began talking about her to my entire family. My dad started lying and saying she was into gangs and that she was always out in the streets and she was this and that. Not true. Eventually, the whole family turned on her. I cannot imagine being a teenager and going through everything she went through. As I am writing this it just makes me want to go to her and hug her because I just honestly don't know how she did it. I remember my parents excluding her from family vacations and anything we used to do as a family. They also tried to get my other sister and I to turn on her. They always bad mouthed her saying she was a trouble maker and that she was up to no good all the time.
Another thing I remember was my mother and how she handled this whole situation. She never once, until today, has ever said, I am sorry that happened to you. Never acknowledged the abuse and never did anything about it. I remember as the years went on, I eventually became a tween and I remember hating to be around him. He became an over the road truck driver and we would only see him every other weekend. It was nice not having him around but when he was home he was always angry and had a bad attitude. I remember things got so bad I didn't want to live at home anymore. Luckily, my older sister took my sister and I in. We were only 15 years old and moved out of my moms house. It took for us to actually leave the house for her to FINALLY leave him! After living with my sister for 6 months or more, my mom finally begged us to come home.
It was finally then that she finally decided to divorce him. 25 years with this monster and it took us to actually leave her alone in the house for her to realize she actually wanted her children in her life. We went back home but then my mom was never home. She was like a teenager again living her youthful years. She had abandoned us again. Sometimes leaving two teenage girls alone in the house for a whole week or two of not coming home. Sometimes not buying food for the house. Not calling. Not showing up to our school functions. It was sad to see my mom completely turn her interest away from us and never being there for us. This was also part of my trauma
I have A LOT of resentment towards my mother still. We have never talked about this subject. I would love to be able to go to therapy with her one day because I honestly do not think she realizes how much internal damage she has left me with. I do not even know if she knows what actually happened to me. And sadly, I don't even know if she cares. Everything was swept under the rug and never spoken about in my family and that is why I am writing this now because I am breaking the silence. I am not writing this to make anyone look bad, that is not my intention, this is my true story and this is how I remembered these events happening. This is my truth. This is my reality. And this is my story of abuse.
When I became an adult, I had forgiven my father. He and I talked a few times a week and we actually did have a good relationship. Believe it or not, he and I are a lot alike. I definitely get my personality from him and we have a lot of similarities. I even went to visit him when I was like 25 or 26 years old. About 4 years ago, I got word that one of my uncles, my fathers brother, was in jail. He was in jail for molesting his girlfriends granddaughter. When I heard this I was sick to my stomach. I felt disgusted by my uncle and my father. I thought I was over my abuse but this situation made me realize I was not over it like I thought I was. It brought back a lot of bad memories and I decided just to cut him off and I never spoke to him again, nor do I have any plans to. I have zero desire to have a relationship with him and I never felt like that before.
I realize now that because of my abuse that I made a lot of bad choices in my life. I was in relationships with really bad men. I let guys treat me like crap and I allowed a lot of nonsense because I didn't love myself. Sexual abuse changes people and it changes the way you see the world and the way you think about things. I hope that by reading this that I can help someone else who has been through this or is going through this. Just know that you will never fully be healed. The terrible memories will never go away, I think about my abuse almost daily unfortunately but there are ways to cope. I want you to know that you are not alone. I understand how you feel. I understand that feeling that no one cares. I understand the feeling of disgust. I understand the feeling of pain. I understand the loneliness. I understand the sadness. I understand. And please know that you are not alone.
I never understood why I went through what I went through. Until now. I now realize that I have been put here to help others. I want to help people who have gone through traumatic situations and give them hope. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel and with the help of those around you, you can get through it.
For those of you who do not know, my partner and I are in the process of starting a nonprofit organization named Hidden Gems. Part of our plan is to hold "support circles" which is meant for domestic and sexual abuse victims to come in and feel safe and to express themselves and tell their stories. It will be a JUDGEMENT FREE ZONE! Remember: silence is a killer. Talking heals. As hard as it is to talk about. As hard as it is to hear and remember the pain, talking about it helps a lot. Like I said earlier, I held this secret in for 33 years and I just started talking about it and now I am writing about it which I have not done too much before either. Please message me if you need advice, resources, or just someone to listen to you vent, I will always be here for you because I understand what you are feeling and I understand what you are going through.