Black Sheep
January 25, 2020
People are always surprised to hear that I am the black sheep of my family. It's weird and hard to explain and I feel like only people that are black sheep themselves know what I am talking about. Prove me wrong people! haha.. My family always used to tell me I was the milkman's daughter. It never really bothered me, I always knew it was a joke but sometimes I wonder if it's actually true. Just kidding.
In my other blogs I have spoken about how I have always felt different and never really have felt like I belonged. I felt this way in school, in friend groups, at work, and in different social settings. For some reason I never felt like I really belonged anywhere. Growing up, we weren't really close to my Dad's family but we were close with my moms family. When I got into my 20's I then became closer to my Dad's family than my mom's family. I feel that I missed out on a lot of family events with my Dad's side of the family. I didn't begin establishing a relationship with them until I was older. I have always felt more accepted with my Dad's side. I have felt closer to them in the sense that I feel I get my personality from that side of the family. I feel more comfortable to be myself because we are all outspoken, loud, funny, and goofy.
My moms side is definitely more conservative, habitual, and shy. As much as I love my mothers side, I always felt as if I could not be myself, mainly because I am THE outspoken one. I am not going to lie. I speak my mind, that being said, not everything I say is sweet and kind. I will admit, when I was in my crazy years in my 20's I used to be out of pocket, disrespectful, and I did not think before I spoke. I feel that those years have never been forgotten and I can still feel the effects of the damage I caused with my words in those days.
You guys, I am not going to sit here and lie or make it seem like I am little miss innocent. I am outspoken, I do not sugar coat things and honestly, sometimes people don't like it. Unfortunately for me one side of my family so happens not to like it haha. I sometimes say things and there will be this weird silence in the room and everyone looks like they are thinking "I cant believe she said that" with a jaw drop. Or the famous "JENNY!!" "OMG!" or the good ol' "WOW!" Not only am I outspoken but I also can be a bit obnoxious. If I feel you are full of shit I will call you out on it. I must say that I have really worked hard on improving the way I express myself the last few years. I really make the effort to take people's feelings into consideration. I never intentionally try to make people feel bad but I do tell them things I feel they need to hear, ESPECIALLY when they are coming to me for advice. ESPECIALLY when I love that person and want the best for them.
Now that I am older. I know how to keep my mouth shut and keep myself out of arguments and drama lol. It took me some time to figure it out but I have strained relationships because of past arguments. I had issues with my grandmother but when my grandfather passed we worked it out. We both apologized for things said in the past and decided to mend our relationship and its a nice feeling. I feel there are other strained relationships that need to be worked out still and that I am still looked down upon by certain people. I feel like no matter how much I have changed or how well I do that no one really cares. I feel like my biggest supporters are people I don't know or barely know. So many people tell me how much they admire and support all the things that I am doing but I never hear anything from my family. In fact, no one even asks haha. Except my twin sis, she is definitely is one of my biggest supporters and she is definitely always trying to be the peacemaker between me and my other family members.
She can attest that there have been many, many times I have told her how I feel about my family and how I feel they don't care about me or support anything I am doing. She assures me they do care and that they are very proud of me but like I tell her, actions speak. I went out with an old co-worker of mine who was like my work mom for many years. I was telling her about everything going on in my life and she was so ecstatic and proud of me! She knows where I came from and she was around when I went through some of the hardest and worst times of my life and she has seen me bloom over the years. She then asked me, "OMG, your mom must be so proud of you! Is she proud of everything you are doing?" I was certainly not expecting that question and I was caught off guard. I then had to tell her "I don't know." She was like "what do you mean you don't know." I then explained how I don't really talk to my mom and how when I told her what I was doing she didn't really seem interested and she never really asked about it again. She was shocked but to me its simply reality.
This is something that honestly hurts my heart a little, I am not going to lie. I feel I am a good person and deserving of so much more than what I have receive from certain people. Sometimes, its hard to accept that you will never be accepted, appreciated, or acknowledged from those who are supposed to believe in you the most. Its certainly a hard pill to swallow and this is why I need therapy! haha just kidding (half kidding). This is something I have been dealing with internally for many years now. See guys, I am in no way, shape, or form perfect and I have my own struggles that I deal with just like everyone else.
On the plus side, going through this has given me the opportunity to be conscious to be different with my daughter. My hopes are that she always feels loved, accepted, important, and valued. I make sure to do things different. And I really do hope that one day that I am able to mend these broken relationships. I don't know if they ever will but it is my hopes to one day have better and healthy relationships. I also hope that one day I really make all my family proud.
As I have said, I always felt different and never really felt like I belonged to any one group. This is part of the reason I love my nonprofit & Rise so much. Here, there is a safe place where I feel accepted, valued, and appreciated by so many other amazing women! I created these Women Empowerment Events so that women could feel good about themselves and feel safe to express who they are no matter what their story or background. Despite of the lack of interest from certain people, I feel great about what I am doing in my life and I am beyond proud of who I have become and everything I have accomplished thus far.
If you are going through something similar, don't allow those who do not accept you to define who you are. Be your authentic self, no matter who it bothers. As long as you are happy with who you are, that is all that matters. Life is too short to be worried about what everyone else feels so just do the things that make you happy.
People are always surprised to hear that I am the black sheep of my family. It's weird and hard to explain and I feel like only people that are black sheep themselves know what I am talking about. Prove me wrong people! haha.. My family always used to tell me I was the milkman's daughter. It never really bothered me, I always knew it was a joke but sometimes I wonder if it's actually true. Just kidding.
In my other blogs I have spoken about how I have always felt different and never really have felt like I belonged. I felt this way in school, in friend groups, at work, and in different social settings. For some reason I never felt like I really belonged anywhere. Growing up, we weren't really close to my Dad's family but we were close with my moms family. When I got into my 20's I then became closer to my Dad's family than my mom's family. I feel that I missed out on a lot of family events with my Dad's side of the family. I didn't begin establishing a relationship with them until I was older. I have always felt more accepted with my Dad's side. I have felt closer to them in the sense that I feel I get my personality from that side of the family. I feel more comfortable to be myself because we are all outspoken, loud, funny, and goofy.
My moms side is definitely more conservative, habitual, and shy. As much as I love my mothers side, I always felt as if I could not be myself, mainly because I am THE outspoken one. I am not going to lie. I speak my mind, that being said, not everything I say is sweet and kind. I will admit, when I was in my crazy years in my 20's I used to be out of pocket, disrespectful, and I did not think before I spoke. I feel that those years have never been forgotten and I can still feel the effects of the damage I caused with my words in those days.
You guys, I am not going to sit here and lie or make it seem like I am little miss innocent. I am outspoken, I do not sugar coat things and honestly, sometimes people don't like it. Unfortunately for me one side of my family so happens not to like it haha. I sometimes say things and there will be this weird silence in the room and everyone looks like they are thinking "I cant believe she said that" with a jaw drop. Or the famous "JENNY!!" "OMG!" or the good ol' "WOW!" Not only am I outspoken but I also can be a bit obnoxious. If I feel you are full of shit I will call you out on it. I must say that I have really worked hard on improving the way I express myself the last few years. I really make the effort to take people's feelings into consideration. I never intentionally try to make people feel bad but I do tell them things I feel they need to hear, ESPECIALLY when they are coming to me for advice. ESPECIALLY when I love that person and want the best for them.
Now that I am older. I know how to keep my mouth shut and keep myself out of arguments and drama lol. It took me some time to figure it out but I have strained relationships because of past arguments. I had issues with my grandmother but when my grandfather passed we worked it out. We both apologized for things said in the past and decided to mend our relationship and its a nice feeling. I feel there are other strained relationships that need to be worked out still and that I am still looked down upon by certain people. I feel like no matter how much I have changed or how well I do that no one really cares. I feel like my biggest supporters are people I don't know or barely know. So many people tell me how much they admire and support all the things that I am doing but I never hear anything from my family. In fact, no one even asks haha. Except my twin sis, she is definitely is one of my biggest supporters and she is definitely always trying to be the peacemaker between me and my other family members.
She can attest that there have been many, many times I have told her how I feel about my family and how I feel they don't care about me or support anything I am doing. She assures me they do care and that they are very proud of me but like I tell her, actions speak. I went out with an old co-worker of mine who was like my work mom for many years. I was telling her about everything going on in my life and she was so ecstatic and proud of me! She knows where I came from and she was around when I went through some of the hardest and worst times of my life and she has seen me bloom over the years. She then asked me, "OMG, your mom must be so proud of you! Is she proud of everything you are doing?" I was certainly not expecting that question and I was caught off guard. I then had to tell her "I don't know." She was like "what do you mean you don't know." I then explained how I don't really talk to my mom and how when I told her what I was doing she didn't really seem interested and she never really asked about it again. She was shocked but to me its simply reality.
This is something that honestly hurts my heart a little, I am not going to lie. I feel I am a good person and deserving of so much more than what I have receive from certain people. Sometimes, its hard to accept that you will never be accepted, appreciated, or acknowledged from those who are supposed to believe in you the most. Its certainly a hard pill to swallow and this is why I need therapy! haha just kidding (half kidding). This is something I have been dealing with internally for many years now. See guys, I am in no way, shape, or form perfect and I have my own struggles that I deal with just like everyone else.
On the plus side, going through this has given me the opportunity to be conscious to be different with my daughter. My hopes are that she always feels loved, accepted, important, and valued. I make sure to do things different. And I really do hope that one day that I am able to mend these broken relationships. I don't know if they ever will but it is my hopes to one day have better and healthy relationships. I also hope that one day I really make all my family proud.
As I have said, I always felt different and never really felt like I belonged to any one group. This is part of the reason I love my nonprofit & Rise so much. Here, there is a safe place where I feel accepted, valued, and appreciated by so many other amazing women! I created these Women Empowerment Events so that women could feel good about themselves and feel safe to express who they are no matter what their story or background. Despite of the lack of interest from certain people, I feel great about what I am doing in my life and I am beyond proud of who I have become and everything I have accomplished thus far.
If you are going through something similar, don't allow those who do not accept you to define who you are. Be your authentic self, no matter who it bothers. As long as you are happy with who you are, that is all that matters. Life is too short to be worried about what everyone else feels so just do the things that make you happy.