Baby Daddy Drama
January 1, 2020
Hello world and Happy New Year! Welcome to 2020!
Today, we touch on the subject of Baby Daddy Drama. I know many other women can relate to this subject and I hope that if you are currently experiencing this, that you learn to THINK before you act, always put your children first, and always put THEIR best interest above your own even if that means you have to maintain a good co-parenting relationship. Your child's safety, sanity, physical and mental health is worth way more than a relationship that will be consistently hurtful to them.
It all started when I was 19 years old, back then I was a party girl and I had been invited to this one spot that threw house parties. I remember getting an invite to the party but none of my girlfriends were able to come out that night so I invited this one guy who liked me to accompany me. We got there and it was poppin! I was having fun, however, I wanted the guy that I went with to leave. I told him I wanted to leave so we walk out, I get into my car, he leaves, and I walk my happy ass back to the party! I was there, scoping the scene and here comes this guy, tall, nice eyes, nice smile, comes and asks me if I want to dance. I obliged. We danced and as time went on we went outside to have a cigarette. This is when I found out he was Puerto Rican, didn't speak a lick of English, and had just gotten to Chicago from Puerto Rico a year ago. Mind you, my Spanish is terrible and there was a major language barrier. Puerto Rican Spanish (him) and half-ass Mexican Spanish (me) does not intertwine very well. I eventually leave the party, he walked me to my car, gave him my number, we had our first kiss and I went home.
He called me every single day and would beg to see me. The second time I saw him, I went to his house but nope, didn't sleep with him. We talked all night and eventually fell asleep. He said that was the first time he had ever had a girl in his bed and only just slept haha. I told him I wasn't like the others and he told me he loved me like within two weeks of meeting him. After a few months of meeting, he started to show his ass. I found out he was in a gang and to me that was so exciting (rolls eyes). He was always fighting, getting into trouble and something about that made me feel liberated, in a sense. Weird, I know, but I was young and very dumb. As time went on, the street shit was starting to become an excuse for not being able to see me or spend time with me and at this point, I had fallen in love with him so it was hurtful. He was my first love and I had never been with a man who treated me poorly before so something about the way he treated me almost made me want him more.
I remember one day he called me up and told me they were going to lock him up and that he was sorry but that I deserve better. In other words, he was telling me to move on but my 19 year old brain was so confused. Something did not feel right and the story just didn't add up! I went down to go look for him with one of my girls and I remember being on 10 and I was like OMG if I see him I am going to curse him out blah, blah, blah! We are driving around and low and behold I see him in the street with all of his friends. I remember my girl being like OMG what an asshole, he lied! I pulled up and I was like whats up!? Then he comes to my car like "hey mi amor" Im like I thought you were getting locked up? He said oh they let me out. In the snap of a finger, I was in love again. Totally believed that BS lie and told him yea see you later! My girl looked over at me and told me "your a fucking dumb ass" and I was like what? Why? She replied, he lied to you, you caught him, and now your in love again. I told her sorry I couldn't help it!
One day, I gave him money to get me something and he told me he would call me once he got it. Never heard back from him. He totally went ghost on me, all for $50. At this point, I was done entirely and we both stopped speaking to each other.
A couple months pass, I hadn't gotten my period so I become concerned. I go and take a pregnancy test and I remember being on the phone with my girl Mayra and I take the test, I saw one line and one faint line, I read the directions and I am like oh okay I am good! Mayra is like "um Jenny, I think two lines means pregnant," I looked again and my heart drops, my response, "oh shit!" I was freaking out, especially because I wasn't even with this guy anymore. I attempted to call him and even spoke to his mother and he never called me back. I kept leaving messages that he needed to call me back and he never did so I eventually told his mother I was pregnant and low and behold the next day he finally called me back. The first question he asked was "are you sure you are pregnant?" and the famous "are you sure it is even mine?" I assured him I was 100% positive it was his since I hadn't been with anyone else since him.
Since I was now expecting, I of course wanted to work things out with him, for the baby. I was always the one calling and looking for him and trying to work things out but he didn't seem slightly interested. I remember one day, I went to his house and he gets home and he had a hickies on his neck, I asked him what it is was and he responded that we weren't together. Like a daggar to the heart. Two months passed and one day he calls me to come over he needs to talk to me. I go over and he tells me he got into trouble and he needs to leave. I asked him what happened and he said he stole money from someone and that they would be looking for him so he needed to book a flight to leave town for a while. I remember believing him. He said he would come back and I believed him. My family all told me I was a fool and that he wasn't coming back. He left and as the days passed I stopped hearing from him. I think once I hit 6 months I finally came to the realization that I was on my own and that I was going to probably have to raise this child alone. If anyone has been through this, it is one of the scariest and hardest pills to swallow.
I was in denial for months and I cried and was depressed for most of the beginning of my pregnancy and eventually I just sucked it up and accepted my fate. I remember being sad so often, at my baby shower, barely any friends showed up and no daddy was there and it was honestly so depressing. I was thankful for the party that my family threw but all I could think of was him and how he wasn't there. I remember having my daughter in the hospital and my twin sister and my mother being in the room with me which felt ultra depressing too because he wasn't there. I simply felt SO ALONE. I remember not wanting to leave the hospital because I knew once I left that I would be on my own. I remember looking at my beautiful two day old daughter and wanting to cry because I felt so alone and I felt terrible for the beautiful little baby with no dad around.
I remember getting home from the hospital and all my family being at my apartment. Before my daughter was born, my family had reassured me they would stay with me the first two weeks to help me out so I felt a little better that someone would be there to help. Around 7 or 8 everyone had left my place and I was there, alone. I remember holding my beautiful princess in my arms and I had a major meltdown. This rush of fear came over me and I was terrified. How was I going to raise this little person on my own? How am I going to make ends meet on my own? I was crying uncontrollably to the point where I could no longer breathe. I called my older sister and she kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn't even talk to tell her. She told me to breath and that everything would be okay. She said its normal to be scared and that everyone goes through it. I eventually calmed down and although I was sad, I knew I had to keep going.
Time went on and I got into the routine of having a baby around now. 6 weeks later I went back to work which was heartbreaking but I didn't have a choice, I had a family I had to take care of now. Two months after she was born, I began getting phone calls and knocks on my door, people calling my name from the street. It was his family, who were looking for me, because they knew the baby had been born. I had cut off his entire family once he took off to PR so they wanted to see the baby and I didn't know how I felt about it. One night, I heard a knock at my backdoor and I heard my BD's voice, pleading to let him in and he was there to see the baby. I was shocked because I never thought he would care to see the baby and look for us. I didn't answer the door that night but eventually I picked up the phone and we spoke. He told me he had seen a picture of the baby and he knew he had to come back and that he wanted to be in her life and he wanted to work things out.
I let the fucker suffer for like two weeks and we were a couple again not too long after. He came back a changed man. He was working, he was giving me his entire paychecks, he was helping me with the baby, he was super sweet and attentive to me. Life was amazing, I was in love and had my little family together. Over that winter, his family's house caught fire and he and his family were displaced so I of course allowed him to come stay with me at my apartment. At that time, my grandparents were renting me an apartment and once they saw him there they told me he was not allowed so I got mad and moved out. We moved to Logan Square, pre-gentrified Logan Square and his family moved back to Humboldt Park and this is when everything changed.
As time went on, old habits started taking place where he would leave and not tell me where he was going, he would show up late, and he wasn't helping me as much. At this point, I was working full time, paying a sitter and all the bills, coming home and cooking and cleaning, and then having to entertain him. I wasn't the same care free person he met, I was a mother now with responsibilities. He always was telling me I was boring and would be like "you don't want to stay up late with me", yea because I was working! Mind you, he was not working anymore and was at home all day doing nothing, all while I was paying a babysitter to watch our daughter because he had the "I can't change a girls diaper" bullshit excuse for not watching her. But I didn't even care he wasn't doing shit, I settled because I wanted my family together. The biggest and worst mistake of my life is buying this man a car. When his family was displaced, he needed transportation to get to work and he said he wouldn't be able to get a job without a car so my dumb ass went and co-signed for one. NEVER DO THIS! I screwed myself over so bad with that move and it was an expensive mistake!
One day, I was at work, and I called him just to check in. He wasn't picking up the house phone so I attempted his cell. Cell phone goes to voicemail and something told me to check it. It stated there was a message so I listen and I hear some nasty sounding hood rat on there talking about "hey papi, its me call me when you can." My heart drops and I am beyond furious at this point! After all the shit this asshole already put me through and now I gotta worry about this! That was the last straw for me and I kept calling until he picked up. I asked him who the girl was and he was acting confused like he didn't know who it was. I told him "you got 15 minutes to get all your shit and get the fuck out of my house or I am calling the cops and telling them you are an intruder." He begged and pleaded with me and calls me back to let me know there is no longer a voicemail, he told me he didn't fuck her, only kissed her, and I told him I didn't care! After this, I lost ultimate respect for him and knew in my heart I couldn't take him back because I knew I deserved better than that.
He still had the car I co-signed for and I found out he had not paid one payment on the car plus I kept getting tickets in the mail that he was getting and not paying as well. In the City of Chicago, back then, if you had 3 or more tickets, the 4th time results in a boot and I couldn't afford it so not only was I paying rent, paying the new car note, paying two car insurances, paying bills, and buying things for my daughter because at that point he stopped giving me money too since he was not working. I was pissed AF! I told him he needed to give me the car back since he was not paying anything on it and this mother fucker had the audacity to refuse. I tried calling the cops but because both of our names were on the car there was nothing they can do so I was devising a plan to get my car back! One day my BD called me in the morning and we talked for a little bit, he told me he was going to take a shower (at this time he only lived 5 minutes from me) so I called my girl Dannette and told her I needed her to come with me, "be ready in 5 and we are leaving." She met me at my car and we go to his house, she hops in the drivers seat and takes off with my baby in the back and I proceed to the Sebring. I remember all his friends on the block were outside that morning and were watching me and I was terrified but I was like fuck it, now or never and I take off as fast as I can in the car. I remember the seat being all the way back and my tiny ass could barely reach the peddle but I was like skkkrrtttt right outta there!
5 minutes later I get a phone call from his calling me all types of bitches and hoe's and demanding the car back I tell him FUCK YOU, you haven't paid shit! Its my car! I parked it at one of my other girls houses and we start to go through all his stuff in the trunk. We find all sorts of things this guy stole from my landlords basement (Dannettes dad) including his work tools. Dannette was pissed! I asked her what we should do with everything and she said fuck him throw it in the alley! So we did. Mind you, his house had been in a fire so he only had what was in his car and I got rid of all of it and I didn't feel bad at all! Just like he didn't feel bad I was taking care of our daughter alone or he didn't care I was struggling financially because of the car situation. I even found our daughters piggy bank in his car - what kind of a human being steals from their own baby!?
A couple months passed and I thought the car drama was over. BD shows up late at my apartment one night, drunk, and asking to come in. I told him no. And he's like why not. I'm like cuz I hate you and he's like okay and he walked away. I jump back in bed and I immediately run outside because I know hes a spiteful mofo, by the time I ran out to the street he had taken off in the car and stole it back from me!! WTF!? When I tried to get the car back, he had now put a steering wheel jack on it so that I cannot take it back! I was soooo pissed!! But I had a plan, I started being nice to him and telling him I wanted to work things out. One night he comes over to my apartment and I seduced him - he went to the washroom and I found the keys to the jack and the car and I hid them in the house where he couldn't find them and I also put salchichas (spam) in his boots and bleached his clothes as a final fuck you! He came out of the bathroom and proceeds to leave until he can't find his keys. Puts on his boots and he like wtf and takes the spam out and slams it on the ground! He then knew I had tricked him and he starts going wild and trying to find the key and I told him to leave or I would call the cops. Now there was absolutely no way he was getting that car back again, I went and bought my own steering wheel jack and lied and told him I took his name off the title and it was only in my name and if he tried stealing the car again that I would throw his ass in jail and he never tried it again. This car drama was one of hardest situations I have ever put myself in so do not ever do it!
If you think hes an asshole, just wait, it gets better. I can't even remember how I found out anymore but I remember finding out he got a girl pregnant only 3 or 4 months after we broke up. Yep, pregnant. With twins too. That was a daggar to the heart but also made me so glad I was not with his nasty ass anymore haha.
His family's house was rebuilt and they are now living back on the south side. I had my daughter during the week and dropped her off at his house on the weekends. I go in the house and I notice there is a girl in his room, she looked really young so I was thinking maybe she is his girlfriends little sister or something. He hears me walk in and I hear him say "quieres algo, mi amor?" (want something my love?) and I hear her say "no." I asked his mom who that was and she responded "his girlfriend." I am like why is there another woman around my kid? She then responded she would never do that but that the girl is pregnant. OH EM GEE. I was LIVID!! Mainly for the simple fact that he had already had multiple women around my kid already and no one bothered to let me know this was happening. My other thoughts: he got someone else pregnant and he doesn't even take care of the kid he's got?! I of course was hurt too because I was still trying to get over our breakup but it made me despise him even more. I had an argument with him and his family and I took my baby and left.
Although his GF was preggo, best believe that he still tried messing with me which made me not like him even more. It made me realize that that was exactly what he was doing to me when he left my ass pregnant while he was living in PR. I remember he had the audacity (while his girl was inside) to tell me to go with him to the gangway as if I'm some nasty hood rat who would ever do that! I told him he was dirty and judging by how many kids he has, he never wraps it up and that I wouldn't touch his dirty d*ck with a ten foot pole. Ugh, the nerve!!
My daughter kept going to dads every weekend until she was old enough to talk. I knew he was ignorant and I knew he wasn't the best influence but I also didn't know what went on behind closed doors when I was gone. My daughter was around 4 years old and one day I went to pick her up from grandmas house and I casually ask her how was dads house? Very casually she's tells me it was good and proceeds to tell me "Papi and Nereda (his gf) got into a fight and he was choking her then titi called the police and the cops were there." OH MY GOD!! My poor innocent child! I was again LIVID! That was the last straw! I was always the one driving her to the south side every weekend. I was the one always calling to see when he could take her - I was making all the effort to ensure he was being a father and now you are traumatizing my child by doing this stupid shit in front of her? Here I am busting my ass to make ends meet to ensure she has a good normal life and this ignorant asshole can't control himself while fighting with his girl? So I call grandma to ask why she wouldn't bring this up to me and she said it wasn't a big deal. Um excuse me? How normal is this type of behavior in your household? So I told her that was the last time they would see her in a while that I can no longer trust that their household is safe for my daughter. They begged and pleaded and I was over it. I knew that I would be giving up my freedom on the weekends but if you want your kids to have a good life, sacrifices need to be made and this was my sacrifice for my daughter to ensure she comes out to be a normal human being. The most disturbing thing to me was how nonchalant my baby was when she told me about the choking story and how it seemed normal to her which made me question how many other fucked up things did she witness when she was in their care.
I had to make the executive decision, as the responsible parent, that her being around him was now dangerous and her safety was at risk and no longer worth it. I always wanted her to have a relationship with her father even though he is a deadbeat, I WAS THE ONE who kept making the effort on his part and I was also the one who told him he was no longer allowed to be around her. He didn't fight it and I never heard from him ever again. I am sure he uses me as an excuse for not seeing her but any parent who really wants to be in their kids life will make the effort to make it happen, no matter what.
So many times I was disrespected, called outside of my name, insulted in front of my daughter and his family and I dealt with it because I was always trying to be the bigger person. I thought I was doing the right thing for my kid until I no longer respected him or his family. Once I cut him off, I still allowed his family to have a relationship with her until I started to realize they lacked respect for me as well. They would drop her off late and go against my wishes. For example, I had a rule he was not allowed to see her and behind my back they tried to sneak him time with my daughter and I always found out because my daughter would tell me. I eventually stopped letting her sleep over at grandmas house all together and the tables turned. THEY had to come look for her, they had to do the driving back and forth and it was on my terms. If they fucked up, which they always do, (wonder where he gets it from) the longer the time passes before they see my daughter. They moved about 3 hours away now so my daughter luckily, isn't able to see them as often and I am okay with that because I do not trust them.
Yes folks, I can probably write a lot more but I am sure this is long enough so I will stop here. I went through a lot with him but I also learned a lot of tough lessons that made me stronger and better today. Being with him taught me a lesson about men who cheat and it has since, been something I absolutely will not tolerate. I'm not one of those "he might mess up and I'll forgive him" kinda chick. I am "you fuck it up and you're out," kinda chick. Ain't nobody got time for all that mess. I don't have time to be worrying and chasing a man who is supposed to love me. I know my worth and it is just a deal breaker for me. Another lesson my BD taught me was to never be with a man who doesn't have a good job or works. I was only 20 years old, on my own raising my baby and then taking care of a grown ass man who was completely capable of working but choose not to. He is the type of man who leaches off of women until he cannot use them anymore. The way I see it, if a man wants to be with me, he needs to have everything I have or more. I have my own place, car, good job, and my own money so I expect the exact same from a man, plus more. Don't come at me if you are living in your mama's basement, boy bye! Another thing I learned from my BD was NEVER allow a man to call you out your name. He is the only man I was ever with that disrespected me on a level that no one else ever has. Best believe I spoke up for myself when he did. I am not innocent either but I don't talk shit for no reason and I know how to defend myself.
I hope that some of those lessons will help women who are out there dealing with this. I know it's hard. I know it hurts. I know its lonely and I know you can feel helpless but don't give into the drama and try to rise above it. If you do the right thing of having your kids best interest, the rest will work itself out. If you have a co-parent who works with you and helps you, consider yourself blessed because the drama really is stressful.
I don't deal with my BD but the only reason I don't is because he's not good influence on my kid and I want her to grow up a certain way and I don't want her thinking certain behaviors are normal. At this point, my daughter has no interest in having a relationship with her father as he has made zero attempts to have a relationship with her. There have been many times my daughter has broken down about her father to me and I have asked and offered for her to see him or call him but she always declines. I also have assured her I wouldn't be upset or bothered if she wanted a relationship with him so not to think of me in making the decision. She is 13 now so she totally gets it, she doesn't want a relationship with someone who could have "easily picked up the phone to call me. He can get my number from anyone in his family." Its very heartbreaking to see but it has also made her wiser and more aware. My point here is it is best to try to be cordial and co-parent for the kids sake but in certain cases, don't do the fathers job for them and don't allow them to continuously hurt and disappoint your kids. It is better to live life peacefully with no drama.
Hello world and Happy New Year! Welcome to 2020!
Today, we touch on the subject of Baby Daddy Drama. I know many other women can relate to this subject and I hope that if you are currently experiencing this, that you learn to THINK before you act, always put your children first, and always put THEIR best interest above your own even if that means you have to maintain a good co-parenting relationship. Your child's safety, sanity, physical and mental health is worth way more than a relationship that will be consistently hurtful to them.
It all started when I was 19 years old, back then I was a party girl and I had been invited to this one spot that threw house parties. I remember getting an invite to the party but none of my girlfriends were able to come out that night so I invited this one guy who liked me to accompany me. We got there and it was poppin! I was having fun, however, I wanted the guy that I went with to leave. I told him I wanted to leave so we walk out, I get into my car, he leaves, and I walk my happy ass back to the party! I was there, scoping the scene and here comes this guy, tall, nice eyes, nice smile, comes and asks me if I want to dance. I obliged. We danced and as time went on we went outside to have a cigarette. This is when I found out he was Puerto Rican, didn't speak a lick of English, and had just gotten to Chicago from Puerto Rico a year ago. Mind you, my Spanish is terrible and there was a major language barrier. Puerto Rican Spanish (him) and half-ass Mexican Spanish (me) does not intertwine very well. I eventually leave the party, he walked me to my car, gave him my number, we had our first kiss and I went home.
He called me every single day and would beg to see me. The second time I saw him, I went to his house but nope, didn't sleep with him. We talked all night and eventually fell asleep. He said that was the first time he had ever had a girl in his bed and only just slept haha. I told him I wasn't like the others and he told me he loved me like within two weeks of meeting him. After a few months of meeting, he started to show his ass. I found out he was in a gang and to me that was so exciting (rolls eyes). He was always fighting, getting into trouble and something about that made me feel liberated, in a sense. Weird, I know, but I was young and very dumb. As time went on, the street shit was starting to become an excuse for not being able to see me or spend time with me and at this point, I had fallen in love with him so it was hurtful. He was my first love and I had never been with a man who treated me poorly before so something about the way he treated me almost made me want him more.
I remember one day he called me up and told me they were going to lock him up and that he was sorry but that I deserve better. In other words, he was telling me to move on but my 19 year old brain was so confused. Something did not feel right and the story just didn't add up! I went down to go look for him with one of my girls and I remember being on 10 and I was like OMG if I see him I am going to curse him out blah, blah, blah! We are driving around and low and behold I see him in the street with all of his friends. I remember my girl being like OMG what an asshole, he lied! I pulled up and I was like whats up!? Then he comes to my car like "hey mi amor" Im like I thought you were getting locked up? He said oh they let me out. In the snap of a finger, I was in love again. Totally believed that BS lie and told him yea see you later! My girl looked over at me and told me "your a fucking dumb ass" and I was like what? Why? She replied, he lied to you, you caught him, and now your in love again. I told her sorry I couldn't help it!
One day, I gave him money to get me something and he told me he would call me once he got it. Never heard back from him. He totally went ghost on me, all for $50. At this point, I was done entirely and we both stopped speaking to each other.
A couple months pass, I hadn't gotten my period so I become concerned. I go and take a pregnancy test and I remember being on the phone with my girl Mayra and I take the test, I saw one line and one faint line, I read the directions and I am like oh okay I am good! Mayra is like "um Jenny, I think two lines means pregnant," I looked again and my heart drops, my response, "oh shit!" I was freaking out, especially because I wasn't even with this guy anymore. I attempted to call him and even spoke to his mother and he never called me back. I kept leaving messages that he needed to call me back and he never did so I eventually told his mother I was pregnant and low and behold the next day he finally called me back. The first question he asked was "are you sure you are pregnant?" and the famous "are you sure it is even mine?" I assured him I was 100% positive it was his since I hadn't been with anyone else since him.
Since I was now expecting, I of course wanted to work things out with him, for the baby. I was always the one calling and looking for him and trying to work things out but he didn't seem slightly interested. I remember one day, I went to his house and he gets home and he had a hickies on his neck, I asked him what it is was and he responded that we weren't together. Like a daggar to the heart. Two months passed and one day he calls me to come over he needs to talk to me. I go over and he tells me he got into trouble and he needs to leave. I asked him what happened and he said he stole money from someone and that they would be looking for him so he needed to book a flight to leave town for a while. I remember believing him. He said he would come back and I believed him. My family all told me I was a fool and that he wasn't coming back. He left and as the days passed I stopped hearing from him. I think once I hit 6 months I finally came to the realization that I was on my own and that I was going to probably have to raise this child alone. If anyone has been through this, it is one of the scariest and hardest pills to swallow.
I was in denial for months and I cried and was depressed for most of the beginning of my pregnancy and eventually I just sucked it up and accepted my fate. I remember being sad so often, at my baby shower, barely any friends showed up and no daddy was there and it was honestly so depressing. I was thankful for the party that my family threw but all I could think of was him and how he wasn't there. I remember having my daughter in the hospital and my twin sister and my mother being in the room with me which felt ultra depressing too because he wasn't there. I simply felt SO ALONE. I remember not wanting to leave the hospital because I knew once I left that I would be on my own. I remember looking at my beautiful two day old daughter and wanting to cry because I felt so alone and I felt terrible for the beautiful little baby with no dad around.
I remember getting home from the hospital and all my family being at my apartment. Before my daughter was born, my family had reassured me they would stay with me the first two weeks to help me out so I felt a little better that someone would be there to help. Around 7 or 8 everyone had left my place and I was there, alone. I remember holding my beautiful princess in my arms and I had a major meltdown. This rush of fear came over me and I was terrified. How was I going to raise this little person on my own? How am I going to make ends meet on my own? I was crying uncontrollably to the point where I could no longer breathe. I called my older sister and she kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn't even talk to tell her. She told me to breath and that everything would be okay. She said its normal to be scared and that everyone goes through it. I eventually calmed down and although I was sad, I knew I had to keep going.
Time went on and I got into the routine of having a baby around now. 6 weeks later I went back to work which was heartbreaking but I didn't have a choice, I had a family I had to take care of now. Two months after she was born, I began getting phone calls and knocks on my door, people calling my name from the street. It was his family, who were looking for me, because they knew the baby had been born. I had cut off his entire family once he took off to PR so they wanted to see the baby and I didn't know how I felt about it. One night, I heard a knock at my backdoor and I heard my BD's voice, pleading to let him in and he was there to see the baby. I was shocked because I never thought he would care to see the baby and look for us. I didn't answer the door that night but eventually I picked up the phone and we spoke. He told me he had seen a picture of the baby and he knew he had to come back and that he wanted to be in her life and he wanted to work things out.
I let the fucker suffer for like two weeks and we were a couple again not too long after. He came back a changed man. He was working, he was giving me his entire paychecks, he was helping me with the baby, he was super sweet and attentive to me. Life was amazing, I was in love and had my little family together. Over that winter, his family's house caught fire and he and his family were displaced so I of course allowed him to come stay with me at my apartment. At that time, my grandparents were renting me an apartment and once they saw him there they told me he was not allowed so I got mad and moved out. We moved to Logan Square, pre-gentrified Logan Square and his family moved back to Humboldt Park and this is when everything changed.
As time went on, old habits started taking place where he would leave and not tell me where he was going, he would show up late, and he wasn't helping me as much. At this point, I was working full time, paying a sitter and all the bills, coming home and cooking and cleaning, and then having to entertain him. I wasn't the same care free person he met, I was a mother now with responsibilities. He always was telling me I was boring and would be like "you don't want to stay up late with me", yea because I was working! Mind you, he was not working anymore and was at home all day doing nothing, all while I was paying a babysitter to watch our daughter because he had the "I can't change a girls diaper" bullshit excuse for not watching her. But I didn't even care he wasn't doing shit, I settled because I wanted my family together. The biggest and worst mistake of my life is buying this man a car. When his family was displaced, he needed transportation to get to work and he said he wouldn't be able to get a job without a car so my dumb ass went and co-signed for one. NEVER DO THIS! I screwed myself over so bad with that move and it was an expensive mistake!
One day, I was at work, and I called him just to check in. He wasn't picking up the house phone so I attempted his cell. Cell phone goes to voicemail and something told me to check it. It stated there was a message so I listen and I hear some nasty sounding hood rat on there talking about "hey papi, its me call me when you can." My heart drops and I am beyond furious at this point! After all the shit this asshole already put me through and now I gotta worry about this! That was the last straw for me and I kept calling until he picked up. I asked him who the girl was and he was acting confused like he didn't know who it was. I told him "you got 15 minutes to get all your shit and get the fuck out of my house or I am calling the cops and telling them you are an intruder." He begged and pleaded with me and calls me back to let me know there is no longer a voicemail, he told me he didn't fuck her, only kissed her, and I told him I didn't care! After this, I lost ultimate respect for him and knew in my heart I couldn't take him back because I knew I deserved better than that.
He still had the car I co-signed for and I found out he had not paid one payment on the car plus I kept getting tickets in the mail that he was getting and not paying as well. In the City of Chicago, back then, if you had 3 or more tickets, the 4th time results in a boot and I couldn't afford it so not only was I paying rent, paying the new car note, paying two car insurances, paying bills, and buying things for my daughter because at that point he stopped giving me money too since he was not working. I was pissed AF! I told him he needed to give me the car back since he was not paying anything on it and this mother fucker had the audacity to refuse. I tried calling the cops but because both of our names were on the car there was nothing they can do so I was devising a plan to get my car back! One day my BD called me in the morning and we talked for a little bit, he told me he was going to take a shower (at this time he only lived 5 minutes from me) so I called my girl Dannette and told her I needed her to come with me, "be ready in 5 and we are leaving." She met me at my car and we go to his house, she hops in the drivers seat and takes off with my baby in the back and I proceed to the Sebring. I remember all his friends on the block were outside that morning and were watching me and I was terrified but I was like fuck it, now or never and I take off as fast as I can in the car. I remember the seat being all the way back and my tiny ass could barely reach the peddle but I was like skkkrrtttt right outta there!
5 minutes later I get a phone call from his calling me all types of bitches and hoe's and demanding the car back I tell him FUCK YOU, you haven't paid shit! Its my car! I parked it at one of my other girls houses and we start to go through all his stuff in the trunk. We find all sorts of things this guy stole from my landlords basement (Dannettes dad) including his work tools. Dannette was pissed! I asked her what we should do with everything and she said fuck him throw it in the alley! So we did. Mind you, his house had been in a fire so he only had what was in his car and I got rid of all of it and I didn't feel bad at all! Just like he didn't feel bad I was taking care of our daughter alone or he didn't care I was struggling financially because of the car situation. I even found our daughters piggy bank in his car - what kind of a human being steals from their own baby!?
A couple months passed and I thought the car drama was over. BD shows up late at my apartment one night, drunk, and asking to come in. I told him no. And he's like why not. I'm like cuz I hate you and he's like okay and he walked away. I jump back in bed and I immediately run outside because I know hes a spiteful mofo, by the time I ran out to the street he had taken off in the car and stole it back from me!! WTF!? When I tried to get the car back, he had now put a steering wheel jack on it so that I cannot take it back! I was soooo pissed!! But I had a plan, I started being nice to him and telling him I wanted to work things out. One night he comes over to my apartment and I seduced him - he went to the washroom and I found the keys to the jack and the car and I hid them in the house where he couldn't find them and I also put salchichas (spam) in his boots and bleached his clothes as a final fuck you! He came out of the bathroom and proceeds to leave until he can't find his keys. Puts on his boots and he like wtf and takes the spam out and slams it on the ground! He then knew I had tricked him and he starts going wild and trying to find the key and I told him to leave or I would call the cops. Now there was absolutely no way he was getting that car back again, I went and bought my own steering wheel jack and lied and told him I took his name off the title and it was only in my name and if he tried stealing the car again that I would throw his ass in jail and he never tried it again. This car drama was one of hardest situations I have ever put myself in so do not ever do it!
If you think hes an asshole, just wait, it gets better. I can't even remember how I found out anymore but I remember finding out he got a girl pregnant only 3 or 4 months after we broke up. Yep, pregnant. With twins too. That was a daggar to the heart but also made me so glad I was not with his nasty ass anymore haha.
His family's house was rebuilt and they are now living back on the south side. I had my daughter during the week and dropped her off at his house on the weekends. I go in the house and I notice there is a girl in his room, she looked really young so I was thinking maybe she is his girlfriends little sister or something. He hears me walk in and I hear him say "quieres algo, mi amor?" (want something my love?) and I hear her say "no." I asked his mom who that was and she responded "his girlfriend." I am like why is there another woman around my kid? She then responded she would never do that but that the girl is pregnant. OH EM GEE. I was LIVID!! Mainly for the simple fact that he had already had multiple women around my kid already and no one bothered to let me know this was happening. My other thoughts: he got someone else pregnant and he doesn't even take care of the kid he's got?! I of course was hurt too because I was still trying to get over our breakup but it made me despise him even more. I had an argument with him and his family and I took my baby and left.
Although his GF was preggo, best believe that he still tried messing with me which made me not like him even more. It made me realize that that was exactly what he was doing to me when he left my ass pregnant while he was living in PR. I remember he had the audacity (while his girl was inside) to tell me to go with him to the gangway as if I'm some nasty hood rat who would ever do that! I told him he was dirty and judging by how many kids he has, he never wraps it up and that I wouldn't touch his dirty d*ck with a ten foot pole. Ugh, the nerve!!
My daughter kept going to dads every weekend until she was old enough to talk. I knew he was ignorant and I knew he wasn't the best influence but I also didn't know what went on behind closed doors when I was gone. My daughter was around 4 years old and one day I went to pick her up from grandmas house and I casually ask her how was dads house? Very casually she's tells me it was good and proceeds to tell me "Papi and Nereda (his gf) got into a fight and he was choking her then titi called the police and the cops were there." OH MY GOD!! My poor innocent child! I was again LIVID! That was the last straw! I was always the one driving her to the south side every weekend. I was the one always calling to see when he could take her - I was making all the effort to ensure he was being a father and now you are traumatizing my child by doing this stupid shit in front of her? Here I am busting my ass to make ends meet to ensure she has a good normal life and this ignorant asshole can't control himself while fighting with his girl? So I call grandma to ask why she wouldn't bring this up to me and she said it wasn't a big deal. Um excuse me? How normal is this type of behavior in your household? So I told her that was the last time they would see her in a while that I can no longer trust that their household is safe for my daughter. They begged and pleaded and I was over it. I knew that I would be giving up my freedom on the weekends but if you want your kids to have a good life, sacrifices need to be made and this was my sacrifice for my daughter to ensure she comes out to be a normal human being. The most disturbing thing to me was how nonchalant my baby was when she told me about the choking story and how it seemed normal to her which made me question how many other fucked up things did she witness when she was in their care.
I had to make the executive decision, as the responsible parent, that her being around him was now dangerous and her safety was at risk and no longer worth it. I always wanted her to have a relationship with her father even though he is a deadbeat, I WAS THE ONE who kept making the effort on his part and I was also the one who told him he was no longer allowed to be around her. He didn't fight it and I never heard from him ever again. I am sure he uses me as an excuse for not seeing her but any parent who really wants to be in their kids life will make the effort to make it happen, no matter what.
So many times I was disrespected, called outside of my name, insulted in front of my daughter and his family and I dealt with it because I was always trying to be the bigger person. I thought I was doing the right thing for my kid until I no longer respected him or his family. Once I cut him off, I still allowed his family to have a relationship with her until I started to realize they lacked respect for me as well. They would drop her off late and go against my wishes. For example, I had a rule he was not allowed to see her and behind my back they tried to sneak him time with my daughter and I always found out because my daughter would tell me. I eventually stopped letting her sleep over at grandmas house all together and the tables turned. THEY had to come look for her, they had to do the driving back and forth and it was on my terms. If they fucked up, which they always do, (wonder where he gets it from) the longer the time passes before they see my daughter. They moved about 3 hours away now so my daughter luckily, isn't able to see them as often and I am okay with that because I do not trust them.
Yes folks, I can probably write a lot more but I am sure this is long enough so I will stop here. I went through a lot with him but I also learned a lot of tough lessons that made me stronger and better today. Being with him taught me a lesson about men who cheat and it has since, been something I absolutely will not tolerate. I'm not one of those "he might mess up and I'll forgive him" kinda chick. I am "you fuck it up and you're out," kinda chick. Ain't nobody got time for all that mess. I don't have time to be worrying and chasing a man who is supposed to love me. I know my worth and it is just a deal breaker for me. Another lesson my BD taught me was to never be with a man who doesn't have a good job or works. I was only 20 years old, on my own raising my baby and then taking care of a grown ass man who was completely capable of working but choose not to. He is the type of man who leaches off of women until he cannot use them anymore. The way I see it, if a man wants to be with me, he needs to have everything I have or more. I have my own place, car, good job, and my own money so I expect the exact same from a man, plus more. Don't come at me if you are living in your mama's basement, boy bye! Another thing I learned from my BD was NEVER allow a man to call you out your name. He is the only man I was ever with that disrespected me on a level that no one else ever has. Best believe I spoke up for myself when he did. I am not innocent either but I don't talk shit for no reason and I know how to defend myself.
I hope that some of those lessons will help women who are out there dealing with this. I know it's hard. I know it hurts. I know its lonely and I know you can feel helpless but don't give into the drama and try to rise above it. If you do the right thing of having your kids best interest, the rest will work itself out. If you have a co-parent who works with you and helps you, consider yourself blessed because the drama really is stressful.
I don't deal with my BD but the only reason I don't is because he's not good influence on my kid and I want her to grow up a certain way and I don't want her thinking certain behaviors are normal. At this point, my daughter has no interest in having a relationship with her father as he has made zero attempts to have a relationship with her. There have been many times my daughter has broken down about her father to me and I have asked and offered for her to see him or call him but she always declines. I also have assured her I wouldn't be upset or bothered if she wanted a relationship with him so not to think of me in making the decision. She is 13 now so she totally gets it, she doesn't want a relationship with someone who could have "easily picked up the phone to call me. He can get my number from anyone in his family." Its very heartbreaking to see but it has also made her wiser and more aware. My point here is it is best to try to be cordial and co-parent for the kids sake but in certain cases, don't do the fathers job for them and don't allow them to continuously hurt and disappoint your kids. It is better to live life peacefully with no drama.